Rav Zilberstein: Is acting friendly to someone you can't stand - geneivas daas?

Rav Zilberstein (Chashukei ChemedShavuos 35b): Question: A person sees someone from a distance and cringes hoping that the other one doesn’t see him and come over to him because he has no strength to deal with him. And yet when they do in fact meet he forces himself to have a big smile on his face and to give him a friendly greeting while at the same time regretting that they had met and counting the seconds until the person leaves. Is this considered a transgression of the sin of fraud (geneivas daas)? Answer:  Rambam (Hilchos De'os 2:6) writes that it is prohibited to conduct oneself in a fraudent and deceitful manner. A person should not act differently then he feels (the mouth and the heart should be in agreement) but rather his actions and words should be consistent with what he thinks (tocho k'baro) and that which is in his heart should be that which he expresses with his mouth. The Rambam concludes by saying that even one word of deception and fraud is prohibited. But rather he should have truthful lips and an upright spirit and a pure heart in all his endeavors. Rashi expresses similar thoughts in Parshas Vayeshiv (Bereishis 37:4), where he says that Yosef's brothers could not speak to him because they despised him – and from this we learn their praise that they were not able to be deceitful and say something other than what they felt. Thus Rashi is saying that was preferable for Yosef's brothers not to be engaged in chanufa with Yosef and not to act friendly when they didn't have positive feelings about him. We find a similar idea in Sefer Chasidim (51) who says that it is prohibited to deceive others – even a non-Jew. And he adds that those who despise a non-Jew when giving them  a greeting and they cause the non‑Jew to mistakenly think they are being friendly - are in fact sinners. Because there is no greater deception (geneivas daas) than this.

 However concerning the same issue we find in Gittin (62a) that Rav Kahane when he met a non-Jew he gave him a greeting of "peace be to the master." Rashi explains he did not have intent to bless the non-Jew but rather Rav Kahane was thinking of this teacher. Tosfos there asks how Rav Kahane could do this since it was geneivas daas (fraud)? The Chasam Sofer says about Tosfos – צ"ע  - i.e., it is puzzling. The Chasam Sofer notes that Shavuos (35b) says that all the kings mentioned in relationship to Daniel are mundane except for one that is holy, "Thou, O king, king of kings, unto whom the God of heaven hath given the kingdom, the power, and the strength, and the glory" (Daniel 2:37) – which G-d is meant. This indicates that Daniel was calling Nevuchadnezer "king of kings" while in his heart he was referring to G‑d. Therefore, the Chasam Sofer concludes, we are forced to say that in a case of hatred (eivah) or peace (darchei shalom) it is deception is permitted.

However the Yalkut HaMeiri (Gittin 62a) comments that the Chasam Sofer does not really have a question against Tosfos because if in fact Daniel had meant G-d – then it is not considered geneivas daas. This is explicit in the Zohar (Parshas Va'eira 23b),Then came R. Eleazar and R. Abba and kissed R. Simeon's hand, and R. Abba wept and said: ‘Alas for the world when thou, master, shalt be removed from it! It will become an orphan without thee; for who will then illumine the words of the Torah?’ He then went on to quote David's greeting to Nabal: "Be well (lehai, lit. thus for life!), and peace be to thee, etc.” ‘Surely,’ he said, ‘David must have been aware of Nabal's wickedness, and how could he greet him thus? It was, however, New Year's day, the day when the Holy One judges the world, and David's intention in using both expressions, “Thus for life”, and “and thou art peace”, was to address Him from whom all life and all peace come, in order to make a fitting profession of faith. And greeting a righteous person with Shalom! (peace, harmony) is like greeting the Holy One Himself, especially when addressed to thee, O master, who in thine own person representest the harmony between the above and the below! But it is not allowed to greet thus a wicked person, and yet, if it be unavoidable, there is no insincerity involved in the phrase when outwardly addressed to the person concerned, but inwardly intended for God." So therefore if you want to claim this was deception – it is not – because one who offers a beracha intends it for G-d. If the wicked person mistakenly thinks it was directed at him – then he is just fooling himself. Thus we see that Daniel was blessing G-d and it was not considered geneivas daas. In contrast if one blesses a non-Jew and means his teacher – that is truly geneivas daas.

Back to our topic, it says in Avos (1:15), One should receive all people with a pleasant countenance. Since it says "all" that means even people that you don't like. Rabbeinu Yonah notes that you should show them a happy face in order that people will like you. This implies that even if you truly are not happy to see him – you should still look happy. That means it is not geneivas daas  but rather fulfilling G-d's will and in fact it is a mitzva. Furthermore that by doing this you might start liking the person since the heart follows after one's actions. The exception would be concerning a wicked person because it is prohibited to receive a wicked person with joy since you are to hate those that G-d hates.